Archive for the ‘Adam’s Crapfest’ Category

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WILD HOGS (2007)

August 12, 2007

Wild Hogs review

Wild Hogs

Note, this picture is not from the movie. But a promotional still might give you the wrong impression – the feeling evoked by this picture is more accurate. That’s right, soak it up.

Adam: One and a half stars

Length: 100min

Taglines:

A lot can happen on the road to nowhere.
Four guys from the suburbs hit the road… and the road hit back.
Four guys. 2000 miles. How wild can it get?
Ride hard… or stay home!

Review by Adam:

I saw this movie on a flight from Australia to Bali because I didn’t want to rent one on the plane. In hindsight I would have paid twice the rental amount to have watched something else. This is the sort of movie that once you see the poster you immediately think “god what an awful movie”…and you’re right. Just think of the comedy gold that was Big Momma’s House 1 & 2, multiply that by Home Improvement and you’ve got yourself the pile of crap that is this movie. So bad was this film that I spent most of its length trying to work out the plot of Blood Diamond on my mate’s rented video beside me.

The general plot is that four suburban 40-somethings are having a mid-life-crisis. They belong to a social motorbike gang called the, wait, “Wild Hogs”. They all live rather mundane lives. One is a dentist, one a plumber, one a failing businessman and the other a computer geek afraid to speak to women. In an attempt to regain some relevance to his son, Tim Allen, gets the boys together for a road trip across the States.

This is where the adventure begins. The “Hogs” stop into a bikie pub somewhere on the way owned by a ‘real’ bikie gang called the “Del Fuegos”. The “Hogs” get muscled out and William H. Macy’s geek character loses his bike in a trade. They’re told to beat it and leave the bike riding to real bikers. Travolta engineers some payback, steals back Macy’s bike and enacts revenge. Long story short, they end up in a nearby town that is being terrorized by the Del Fuegos and they decide to stay and help out. Along the way they all find whatever it is they need to within themselves and Macy falls in love with Marisa Tomei. Why are both Tomei and Macy in such a bad film? That’s what you spend most of the time trying to work out.This movie is imbued with all sorts of homophobic tones and tendencies. Tim Allen’s alpha-male role from Home Improvement wouldn’t look out of place in this film. All the characters display the sort of discomfort amongst men as those who beat queer-identifying people.

Overall, this movie is a total waste of time. For some unfathomable reason there is talk of a sequel. Tip for movie makers: if your first movie isn’t funny AT ALL, the idea sucks, so don’t make a sequel.



		
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TRANSFORMERS (2007)

July 16, 2007

Transformers review

Transformers

Adam: Two and a half stars

Length: 144min

Taglines:

Their war. Our world.
Destroy.
Protect.
More than meets the eye.

Review by Adam:

The first time I went to see this movie it had sold out and I saw Shrek the Third. Talk about a crapfest. Anyway it was my brother Luke and his partner Laura’s “awesome” comments that got Lara and I into the movies to see this.

The basic plot is that a loser kid happens to hold a seemingly inconspicuous object that is actually the key to saving the world from bad robots (Decepticons) that can transform. Oh and then there’s the “hot” girl at school that he is trying to impress who gets tangled up in it all.

For the next two hours you watch as the US military tries to work out what’s going on and the Autobots (goodies) make good with the transforming. Highlights include the robots transforming. Lowlights include everything else.

Of particular low-light fame is the sexist portrayals of women, loser kid getting all self-righteous because he’s never been to Juvy for boosting cars like the “hot” girl, and the black guy always dying. Seriously, the only Autobot who dies is the one who is stereotypically African American. What’s with that!?!

There’s little character development in the humans but some in the robots. (Kinda says something about it eh?). Optimus Prime’s speeches are totally lame and make you want to see the Decepticons win. They don’t.

Bad reviews aside, I loved watching the special effects and the robots getting all robo-erotic in the fight scenes. Everything that can blow up does. Of particular liking to me is the final battle that takes place in a city – nothing spells fun like giant anythings smashing up a city. These things satisfied the eleven dollars I spent.